confessions

I always thought there was good in everybody, even if that good was marginal. The rabbi showed me otherwise.

He was the worst of the worst. A selfish little man, who hated himself so much that he took it out on anyone and everyone.

He would smoke massive amounts of crystal. The moron would use a butane torch, which in turn would nearly vaporize the meth, making him even more crazy.

The only reason anyone would put up with him was due to his little meth house and the large amount of drugs he would provide anyone who would put up with him.

There was nothing behind his eyes. No soul. Just emptiness and hate.

I met him briefly only once. The moment I was around him my skin crawled. He's the only person I've ever met where I wished he would die some truly terrible death. He deserves it.

His existence proves how unfair life is. Young innocent children get cancer, but he's allowed to endure.

The only comfort I take is knowing that he is utterly miserable.

I now understand why I enjoyed Lovecrafts work from such a young age.

It's that thing in me that desires to understand the unknown and the unseen. That desire to embrace it and capture it and make it part of me.

In all of Lovecraft's works, his main "hero" desires the knowledge of something greater, something not meant for their eyes or understanding. Their quest for that knowledge eventually drives them to insanity.

Becareful what you wish for. It could end up consuming you...

I don't really recall when I first realized I had a sexual addiction. I would also argue that my addiction more so fixates on certain aspects of a woman. As I've gotten older those fixations are focused on the scent of a woman, or her hair and even the feel of a woman's skin.

I remember even at a young age being transfixed by the women in my sisters magazines. I don't recall ever having the "girls have coodi's" phase that most boys go through.

My problem stem from being so afraid of anything sexual for so long, that I repressed and even felt guilty for my overpowering sexual urges. So for years as a teenager I would have this internal struggle over my sexual desires and this intense guilt.

I would masturbate constantly as a kid. I would write these intense fantasies on paper, almost like penthouse letters, and then jerk off reading them.

Even as I write this I'm thinking back to some of the things I used to stroke off to when I was younger. My fantasies were pretty intense for such a young age. I'm going to have to stop writing this so I can jerk off. More later...

I can no longer keep the things in my head just to myself.

This place will be my confessional, my priest. Where my sins can be exposed and judgement passed.